June

It's June 5th and life seems so different than it did just a few weeks ago. I actually do feel a lot more grown up than I did before graduation, or even the day of graduation, or even the day after graduation.
You get my point though. I do a lot by myself and on my own terms now. I come home when I want for the most part, though I do respect Catherine and come home not too late some nights.

I have some new friends getting me through life right now, they're awesome. And reconnecting with old friends. I just never feel good enough. I always get put on the back burner. I can introduce friends, bring friends together, and still I'm the one that gets left out. I hate it. That's why I don't like getting all my friends together. Sounds weird and ridiculous right? But when you go from being someones BEST FRIEND then to the friend you leave out, it really sucks. So for now, you want to talk? Text me, call me, beep me. You want to hangout? Make an effort. In any friendship you both have to try and care. And I'm done making all the effort. I don't make all the effort in a relationship, and I don't do everything at work, so I wont for a friendship.

Where am I going in life?

What do I want to do?

Who do I want to be?


With graduation just around the corner I want to figure everything out. Have a plan and follow it closely. But lets get real here. I've never been the type of person to just plan everything out. To follow it strictly. I like to have fun, be wild, do something different.

Anyway...


Since graduation is so close I wanna cool way to say good bye to people. That arent my best friends.. Because I know I'll see them throughout the summer. But there is many people here that have helped me grow as a person that I dont talk to as often anymore.

It's weird sitting here in Mr. Richards thinking... "Hey, this is the last week sitting at this table, looking out the window, attempting to do homework."


Sorry for this post is sooo choppy. My mind is racing and jumping from topic to topic.

And I just feel like writing what comes to mind. Not planning it all out so it makes sense to everyone. But to me.



SO WHATS UP WITH THIS SHITTY SNOW?! ITS MAY 2 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.




Welll, I dont feel like a senior. I dont look like one either. I dont feel grown up, and I always thought I would when this moment would come....


Bye...

Im hungry.

Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot lately. About everything. Especially forgiveness.


I talked to Leslie about being able to forgive people.. And not being able to forgive people. About best friends... And then I thought about how I'm always able to forgive people.... But not forget. Then I think is it even possible for me to truly forgive and forget? Like not in the sense of forgetting completely obviously. But forgetting enough not to have even the slightest bit a grudge towards them?
That's something I'm not so sure of. I can forgive people, talk to them again and everything be okay. But then like I just don't know.

I know I have friends and I'm sure they love me and want the best for me... But. Not to sound completely shitty... I just don't feel like I have any "real" friends anymore. All my friends have basically hurt me in one way or another. I'm sure I've hurt them all too. But then I'm like.... "real friends wouldn't do that to each other."

And Leslie said something that just clicked.


"You can't be best friends with someone you can't completely be honest with and tell them everything. The way you feel and think. Being able to talk freely."


And now I'm sitting here thinking.....

The only friend I can truly do that with is Katie.

*sigh*

I don't know. In a way I want everyone to just leave me alone. I want to move on. Get completely new friends. Leave. Pack my shit and just leave.

A true friendship is when you stand side by side, hand in hand, and keep fighting to stay together when everyone tries to pull you guys apart. I'm to thankful for Abbey.Yeah.

Pity Party Over Here

Today I just feel sad.

Sad because nothing is normal. Sad that I don't have a best friend. Sad because I can't like a normal guy. A nice guy.

Sad I can't talk to anyone.


I'm just throwing myself a pity party. GAAAH.

Since when is it okay for us to fight like this? What even made us this comfortable to fight like this? This is so unhealthy. I give you want you want and you ignore me... FOR FREAKIN 2 MONTHS! How is that okay to you? Then you waltz right back into my life. Like you never ignored me. Like everything is just perfectly fine. Then you get mad at me for talking just TALKING to your friend. When i made it damn obvious that i wasnt interested in anyone but you. Then you call me a hoe? COOL. Oh and you ashed on me. FREAKIN AWESOME. But no i forgive you, again. But like always everytime i give you another chance you give me millions of reasons to never give you one again. Dont push or shove me. I know your mama taught you better. FUCK YOU. See ya in another 2 months when you get bored..