Cute Relationships

I just want a really cute relationship. I’ve only had one semi cute relationship.

I want one that you meet and don’t kiss the first few times you hangout. One where you go for walks often and just ramble about pointless things. Talk for hours about dreams, fears, goals, and life. A relationship where you feel at ease and can talk about your pasts without being ashamed. I want a guy who will not judge me. Who accepts me for being the super weird, jealous, awkward, stubborn person I am. A guy who likes talking on the phone at night before I go to bed just because we miss each other and want to hear each other’s voices. I want to be able to argue with my boyfriend and be real. I don’t want to have to monitor what I say all the time. I want a guy who understands I say things I don’t mean when I’m pissed. Who will kiss me when I’m mad and follow me when I walk away. A guy who holds my hand around strangers, friends, and family. One who will buy me flowers randomly, preferably not roses, but they are still okay. One who knows my favorite color, number, song, and movie off the top of his head. One who will remember our anniversary EVERY month. One who texts me early in the morning before I wake up saying to have a good day and that he loves me. A relationship that’s not based around sex. But more than anything I want a boyfriend who is loyal, doesn’t play head games, and doesn’t lie to me.

 

I just want someone I can be silly and cute with.

 

Too much to ask for?

I honestly can't wait to go to college and get better friends. New friends. True friends hopefully because I'm running short on them....




FUCK EVERYONE AND GOODNIGHT.

My Christmas break so far..

Welllll, I havent really left my house since Wednesday. Besides to go to work yesterday for like five hours. Whooop de dooo. NOT.

Im grounded. *sigh* Damn tire, damn me, damn Cathy, damn snow. Ya feel me?


But when i went to work people made me feel a little bit better. Ya the boys at work piss me off faster then anyone else i know. They can be totally stupid, reckless, irresponsible, and annoying. But i love them to death. Its weird to think i have only been friends with them since August. Because i know they have my back. They can tell when im pissed, sad, and annoyed and ALWAYS try cheering me up. Even when those feelings are towards them. They actually listen to my problems and try giving me aadvice, even if the advice sucks. Hahahaha. And when they think someone has wronged me they stick up for me, even if its something that has happened in the past or present. Damn, they make me laugh. Even when i have to sit there and listen to jew or dead baby jokes for five hours straight. Which by the way, is very annoying... and disturbing.. HAHAHA

I guess im just extremely thankful for them. Even when they are acting stupid. I dont feel judged, weird, or annoying around them. I can be my total self, weirdness and alllll. I love having guy friends. They make my life alot easier.

I just really miss Krysta. She is my best friend and other half with out a doubt. I feel so lonely and im in a "poor me" moood. So just warning you. But its my blog so I'm going to write what I feel and think. I have no real friends here. In some way, shape, or form I feel betrayed by like everyone. Yes, i have great friends. They are there most of the time buuuut no one here are like Krysta and Katie. Who are the most loyal friends. Always take my side.. No matter what. I love being able to depend on someone like that. Even friends I have had my whole life I feel like I can't tell them my thoughts, feelings, or anything anymore without the fear they will tell someone.


So I simply don't tell them things. Or whats bothering me because they will think its stupid. But i guess they wouldnt understand. They arent me.


In the end only Katie and Krysta understand me, my life, my problems, and my way of thinking.

I'm thankful for them. Til the end. <3

My heart swells up with fear with just the thought that everything we could have had is gone.

I dont know why I let my hopes get so high.

I've been chasing you for years, then I get a part of you.... Then it gets ripped away from me.

Perhaps its karama... I heard it's a bitch.

Sometimes giving all you have just isn't enough.. Ya feel me?

Just talkin bout my probs.

I'm actually starting to like you. It's nice. I love spending time with you but my head is soooo full with doubts. And I'm extremely insecure.

I like your smile, dimples, laugh, hair, and eyes.

I love how you are funny, quiet sometimes, extremely outgoing, and honest.

But the other day when I heard you talking about her because you didn't notice I was around I felt like dying. I don't like that fact that you are still doing "stuff" with her.

It's funny how I always like guys that are so hard to get. But in a way I got you I guess.. But not in the way I want or need..

I dont want to be friends with benefits. I don't want to be like that with you, and thats how it seems right now.

I know I'm not nearly as pretty or skinny as her..


But you guys broke up for a reason, right?

You aren't just using me, are you?

You actually have some sort of feelings for me, right?

I have so many questions for you. I just want you to be honest. But I don't even have enough courage to ask you any of them.. I just want you to read my mind a reassure me that we have something, at the absolute least.

I mean every time I get a message from you I get this huge goofy grin on my face....

Of course they don't come as often as I would like. There is days when we don't talk at all. But you always message me first... So thats good...Right?

I wish I had someone to talk to about this whole situation but I can't..

I'm not close with many people.
I don't want like anyone knowing about him. Or who he is. I'm not ashamed, so don't get that idea.


But the situation is a sticky one.

It could ruin some friendships I think...

It could make other friendships awkward..

Plus, I just really dont want to hear I deserve better. I already heard that from someone and it pissed me off.


I don't need looking after from friends.
I don't care if he doesn't meet your standards.

He meets mine and I could see myself really liking him. Thats all that matters.]



Ugh.


khfbgvjenrgnoijerf.

I don't even know what to think of this situation.

You're sick and tired of me?
You can't stand me?
I'm not as good as Leslie?
You don't like living with me?

Then let me move the fuck out, I'm so sick of you complaining about me ALL the time. This isn't even a home anymore. Its a battle turf. And I'm so done.
The second you say I can leave, I'm gone. I promise.

See it started at the park
Used to chill at the dark
Oh when you took my heart
That's when we fell apart
Cuz we both thought
That love lasts forever
They say we're too young
To get ourselves sprung
Oh we didn't care
We made it very clear
And they also said
That we couldn't last together


Now we're fussin'
And now we're fightin'
Please tell me why
I'm feelin' slightin'
And I don't know
How to make it better
You're datin' other guys
You're tellin' me lies
Oh I can't believe
What I'm seein' with my eyes
I'm losin' my mind
And I don't think it's clever.




Bahhhhh.

Its days like today when I sit at home alone and just really think about my life.

Im alone all the time.

I like being away from Cathy, I enjoy it a lot.

But I'm feeling like I have no friends, no support, nothing.

Ever since Krysta moved away I hardly go hangout with anyone, mostly because no one asks me too.

Or because my two closest friends here in Ashland both have boyfriends.

I'd be lying if i said I don't feel completely alone, because I do. I can't help but hope college will be better.

That I might actually have some friends there..

I just want friends to hangout with on the weekends, friends to talk to at school, friends I can go to with my problems. Stuff like that....

Honestly, my lack of friends is probably the biggest reason of me wanting to graduate mid-term...

*sigh*

Idk anymore...

Gotta get on with my life.

I miss the past, when things were simple. When I liked you and you liked me.... And that was good enough for the both of us.

But things change and people change.

I just really need to move on from the past. I'm so sick of everyone here in Ashland. I want to go to college a new person and never look back at this town. I want to forget just about everyone and move on with my life.
I dont want old relationships to complicate my future and want I really want, to be honest.

I feel bad... Life would be easier if you just hated me for the wrong i've done. But no. You have to feel the exact opposite... Complicating things for me even more...

Maybe in the future we will be reunited. And things will work.. But for now, I don't think thats going to happen anytime soon.


I'm sorry.

I just don't know what to do..

Asdgjnoijkm

Stop assuming that just because I tweet something its about you.

It's stupid. No one would have even taken it that way.

But if the shoe fuckin fits, then wear it i guess.

Cry. me. a. river. Im. pissed.

Lets all just make big deals out of nothing, especially when you know NOTHING about it. Okay? Okay.


I hate stupid ignorant people.

Some things just never change, even when you really wish they would...

Respect.

I want friends that are all around respectful.

Friends that can respect strangers, their enemies, and most of all me.

The last few days make me thankful for a few friends that I'm gonna name now.

Krysta: I love how you are miles and miles away but that doesnt stop us from being close. It gets hard and we drift at times, but when im stressed to my max you are the FIRST person i call. I'm thankful to have such a loyal best friend. I miss you. My otherhalf<3

Katie: We fight, we dont get along, we laugh together, we cry together, we hurt together, we do everything together. You and Krysta are my most loyal friends... After 13 years of friendship i feel like i know you inside and out. I can tell when you are lying, I can tell what you are thinking simply by your facial expression. You give me the BEST advice possible. You understand why i hurt and you back me up all the time. You let me rant and rant and cry til i cant even speak anymore. You just listen and comfort me. You make me eat fattening foods when i dont want to, and you encourage me to be the best i can be. You make me realize the good in things and people. I am so thankful for our friendship. Partners in Crime forever and always<3

Kenzie: I have known you pretty much my whole life. We are best friends, AND ITS NOT OKAY TO PLAY WITH OTHER PEOPLE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION BECAUSE WERE BEST FRIENDS AND YOU HAVE YO ASK ME FIRST. Hahahahaha. 4 year old Luann was a bitch. But seriously, i love you to death. You are so beautiful and one of a kind. I like hanging out with you because i can be weird around you and you dont judge... I love our crazy times. But i have been missing you alot lately. I understand you have a boyfriend and all... But dont get to caught up in a guy and totally blow off your friends..k? Im missin my best friend.  Love you<3

Darby: Even after 13 years of friendship we still have alot to learn and get use to about eachother. Like you having to get use to the fact that I'm weird and LOVE making people feel awkward. HAHAHAHA. I love how you just let me vent when i need to. I love that when i make mistakes you dont judge me and still are willing to see my side and hear my reasons. I'm glad i have a friend like you that can be honest and bring me back down to earth when i need it. Love you<3

Savannah: Girl, you are beautiful, amazing, respectful, and talented. I love you with all my heart. After Krysta left i felt like i had no one. Then i went through one of the most scariest experiences in my life... And you out of everyone was there for me the most. I love you. I love your family also. You guys have been there for me soooo much. I truly see you like a sister. Thank you so much for being there to pick me up when i need it. Thank you for being an amazing person. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Love you<3

Abbey: Thank you. Oh gosh, it has been a bumpy road to friendship. But I'm glad that after going through what we have gone through that we can be such good friends. You are there for me when i need someone. You pick me up when i fall, and you ALWAYS remind me to see whats on the brighter side of things. I'm thankful for you being my friend after all the bull shit. I wouldnt trade what has happened between us for anything. You have taught me an amazing lesson. Love you<3

Kristen: We havent always gotten along. But we are the closest we have ever been and I love you. Im thankful for someone who stands up for me, someone to cheer me up when im down. Someone who sends me goodmorning and goodnight texts reminding me that i am loved. Someone that goes out of their way to cheer me up, someone i can spill my heart to and get amazing advice. Someone i can tell my secrets to and not be judged. I am thankful for you. Love you<3




You won't always see me with these girls, but they are my true bestfriends. I couldnt ask for more loyal, respectful, beautiful friends. They keep me standing and steady. I love you guys... I'll always be here for you through the hard times. Always. Dont you forget that. <3

Thanksgiving

Its Thanksgiving so thanks shall be given.


I'm thankful so many things. To be alive, for my amazing friends, my family, but most of all i'm thankful for my little sister.

Angelica (Annie) Ann McIntosh.

She is 8 years old. 8 years ago she was born on November 27, 2003 and back then it was Thanksgiving. So she is almost 9. *sigh* Growin up so fast.

Each year this little turd brings so much happiness into my life. She makes me smile when im down and makes me even happier when i think its impossible.

She is the most amazing, outgoing, beautiful little girl i know. She hasnt had the easiest life, in fact its been even harder than mine.

She just got taken out of her dads custody which i am thankful for the most.

She deserves a normal life...

I love you Annie, that will never change.

<3

Jealousy

When I have to sit here and repeat to myself



"I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous. I'm not jealous."


But I am...


I hate you sometimes.

I hate when you text me.

I hate when you get my hopes high.

I hate that you act like we're friends and that everything is "okay"

When they're not.

I hate that i act like things are "okay"

I hate how i cant just be open and honest with you about my feelings and thoughts.

I hate how its not me tagged in those statuss and pictures.

I hate seeing you with someone else.

I just absolutely hate it...

It's time for a brand new start, time to turn the page, and move on.
My old blogs are all now gone because I simply don't want to see or read them anymore.
I have changed, and I'm hoping it's for the good. I feel like the past year I have grown as a person.
My old blogs make me sad, and I never want to feel the way I did at the times when I wrote them.
College is creeping around the corner, and I'm just starting to find myself.
The past is the past and I'm hungry for the future.


Say hello to a new start.

<3